Well. The first post is a bit intimidating, even though what I share should be just a continuation of the things in my life I’ve been sharing with many of you for years now. Maybe it’s because starting this blog has been so long coming…and of course the perfectionist in me is already slightly stressed, writing and re-writing in my head before my fingers even get their turn, polishing the words that have yet to be formed in my mind, much less written on this page.
Its ironic, because the reason for starting this blog is to finally open up and share my own experience of being a perfectly imperfect person in this world, and how I manage the vulnerability, uncertainty and navigation of trust necessary to establish and develop all of the relationships in my life; which is, I believe, the most significant thing we can be doing with the time we’ve been granted.
A new year always brings talk of change. Resolutions. To be honest, I’m not really one to make New Year’s resolutions. Just like so many other people, in the past I’ve made them – held on for two or three weeks (and truth be told, sometimes only a few hours as was the case with “no more sweets after 7pm”), until I’d fall right back into old habits, or somehow pick up an entirely new (and equally undesirable) habit to replace what I promised myself I would change. So I left resolutions behind altogether many years ago, and now I try to give myself and my life a deeply critical look every now and again throughout the year, and spend time thinking about what I could be doing to be of more use to the world. Every single day.
That is, in part, what brought me to Peace Corps service at this point in my life.
The past 8 months volunteering with Peace Corps Moçambique, has offered incredible and sometimes remarkably uncomfortable awarenesses, unexpected challenges, and have prompted me time and time again to open myself up in order to connect authentically with the people in this world around me. I won’t lie, I’ve fought hard time and time again, against the explicit (and the unstated) invitations to lean in, engage and share who I am with my host families, colleagues at the community-based org and hospital, Peace Corps staff, my community here in Inhambane, and the other Peace Corps volunteers who are sharing this experience with me. Sharing who I am means sharing the strengths, the flaws, the imperfections….and all of the things I typically prefer to keep packed away…out of reach of others…until I’ve known them long enough, and trust them enough, to let them see all of me.
Being vulnerable and allowing others to see you – as you truly are – really feels like the first time on a roller coaster (it’s been years since I’ve been on one, but I have vivid memories of throwing up behind the teacups ride after that first experience at Great Adventure…). You think you know what the ride will feel like. You think you’ve studied it enough from the ground, and have memorized and therefore can predict and prepare yourself for the ups, downs, twists and turns that will come. As you’re moving through the line awaiting your turn, you flip back and forth from one moment to the next experiencing feelings of excitement, reluctance, fear, uncertainty, and anticipation of what you think is to come. Should you really take the risk even though you’re uncertain about what lies ahead?
Then you make a commitment to lean in…completely (or, in my case, I got to the point in the line where there was really no option to go back, duck out, jump the rope and go find funnel cake instead…).
And the ride turns out to be everything and nothing you imagined it would be, complete with the highest of highs and moments so terrifying they almost bring you to tears. The same is true when we take the chance and show who we are to others. The decision to be vulnerable, to open yourself up and show who you truly are to another person, to a new community, comes filled with unknowns and uncertainties. It’s exciting and fulfilling, and it’s also downright scary at times. And oftentimes, it hurts deeply. However, it’s this range of emotions we feel when we are connecting authentically with others that makes us feel the most alive, no matter how difficult the journey may be along the way.
I look forward to continuing in this brand new year, to be present, take risks, to lean in to vulnerability by bringing and sharing all of who I am, and embracing and accepting the feelings and experiences that result from being seen, received, and loved by the people I connect with authentically along the way.
Kshinté! Here you are, in my room, on this bright winter day in Wisconsin. SO happy you have taken yet another leap into the deep end. It seems to me that you were born to swim.
Love. Sue
You are such a a ying to my yang- is that right? I miss you my ying. It felt like a conversation at work, I just want a solution and you want to understand it all and look from many sides. It is so great to hear your voice through your words it is so you, thanks for sharing and I can’t wait for what comes next.