Letting Go

In recognition and celebration of my graduation from university, my mum gave me the book Acts of Faith: Daily Meditations for People of Color by Iyanla Vanzant. It’s a book that consists of 365 daily statements and meditations on the awarenesses of a life lived every day, based on the truths of the past, a recognition and acceptance of the present, and a humble readiness and preparedness for the future. Acts of Faith has been read cover to cover consistently, and inconsistently, over the many years I’ve had and referenced it, and it has come with me everywhere I’ve planted myself for more than one month at a time (which has been three states in the US, one US territory, three (now four) different countries, and 3 continents, since I received it at graduation). Yet over so many years, and with so many different contexts through which I’ve witnessed these statements or meditations presented in my every day, the lesson that keeps coming back to me over and over again is the one that stood out to me most clearly and concretely that first year it was gifted to me.

The importance of letting go as a critical life lesson first came to me in 2000 during the last session of the summer camp I had been working with for 4 years. It was my second year as a “Village Leader” – a role that essentially provided supervision and guidance to a group of thirty-six 9-12 year old boys, and twelve adult counselors. To this day, some of most formative experiences I have in terms of living my values, understanding and demonstrating integrity, and learning what it means to lean into and live through challenge, have come from my summers working at Camp Hayden Marks with the Fresh Air Fund in NYC, and that summer was no exception.

I remember struggling through that particular summer, wanting and praying each and every day for so many things to be different. There were days when I wanted a different staff group to supervise, a different mix of boys to host, different responsibilities to own, and sometimes – a different place to work or just to be. I was often stressed and irritable, and my smile which often serves as an indicator of my internal emotional health had faded early on that summer. I wanted to feel happy, instead of feeling frustrated and disappointed with the entire experience as it was unfolding. I was convinced that change – different surroundings, different skills, different people, different circumstances – would make all the negative feelings disappear.

Nothing happens before its time – and it definitely never happens until we are ready to receive the learnings that come along with the experience. Thankfully, with less than ten days left of camp for the summer, I was finally ready for change. I’m pretty certain that although I had it with me, I hadn’t been reading Acts of Faith every day, but I picked it up the morning of the 13th of August before leaving my cabin to start the day, and read the meditation which has since remained with me and resurfaced time and time again in the years to follow:

Let go!

When we believe we are losing control, we grab on tight. If we want to avoid pain we hold on for dear life. When we are in fear of losing, looking bad or being abandoned, we tighten our grip. When our greatest fears are upon us, we clench our fist and teeth, close our eyes, and hold on. We must learn how to let go. We have the capacity to live through any adversity if we simply let it go. We cannot stop time or destiny. Whatever is going to happen has already happened; we must learn how to see it through to the end. When we hold on, we prolong the pain. When we dig our feet in, we must be uprooted. When the time comes for growth and change, we must have the courage and faith to let go.

While I didn’t agree with each and every line as stated, the general message as I read and understood it at that time, was that I needed to let go of those situations, circumstances and relationships which were creating the challenging dynamics and frustration that I was experiencing. The result was my decision to take steps back and away from those people and situations that stirred up the most difficult feelings for me. In essence, I turned away from, and put space in between myself and that which caused me the most challenge in order to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that accompanied those situations and relationships. Looking back on it now, I realize that although the steps I took to release the painful feelings were just what I needed to do with the level of awareness I had at that time, it was the easy way out for me. By avoiding the negative feelings that came with living through these particular challenges, I delayed (or denied) the potential for experiencing the emotional growth that would have come if I had chosen to accept the feelings that were hardest for me to be with.

Over the past few years, as I’ve begun to learn more about and incorporate yoga and meditation into my life in purposeful (although admittedly inconsistent) ways, I’ve come to think about the concept of letting go in a very different way. When I was initially introduced to the idea of letting go all those years ago, I embraced it more as a practice of pushing away, separating from, or denying what was in front of me. In that sense, to let go was to turn away from what was with me in the present, and distance myself from the circumstances, people, and/or situations that were challenging me by stirring up feelings I did not want to deal with. Meditation, as I have been practicing it, invites me to just be with what is. Choosing to practice for 5 minutes or 25 minutes, is not a time for me to sit quietly and close myself off to the internal and/or external noises and feelings that make everyday life as challenging as it is. Rather, it’s an invitation I extend to myself to want for nothing more than to just open up, feel and accept what is with me in the present – exactly as it is.

Since the start of the new year, as I’ve noticed myself experiencing very familiar feelings of discontent and anxiety related to the political and social climate in the United States, the constantly changing and often undefined nature of my role in my relationships here in Moçambique, and the ever-present question of how I can be of service in this world, my thoughts have come right back to the need for me to let go. Now, however, I explore and embrace the act of letting go in a very different way, which is allowing me to preserve (instead of disrupt or end) relationships and remain physically and emotionally present in the spaces and places that show me grace.

These past few weeks, when my feelings of anger, sadness and helplessness over the current direction and dynamic of the United States have been so intense that I’ve been left feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed, the only way to re-engage has been to actually let go. As I’ve moved with and within the relationships I’ve formed here, which have not followed the previously familiar rules, patterns or pathways I’ve been used to for most of my life, and have therefore left me confused or anxious, I’ve realized that I’ve needed to let go. When I would spend 4-5 hours on my days at the hospital, monotonously entering in the dates of patient visits followed by the date for their follow up consultation, and then wonder on my long, hot, dusty walk home if/how I’m really contributing to the community – I recognize the urgent need for me to let go.

But if I understood letting go as I did when I first read the passage in Acts of Faith, it would mean removing myself from any and all engagement in the everyday efforts continuing to unfold back home in the States. Letting go would mean distancing myself from those relationships I’m developing while here in Moçambique, in order to avoid the uncertainty, the anxiety of the unknown, and the discomfort that I’ve felt as these relationships continue to form; and it would mean choosing not to show up – physically and otherwise – at the hospital, because currently “what is” is not at all as I had imagined it to be.

So I’ve come to understand letting go, not as the process of letting go of something or someone, but instead letting go of the fear of feeling, by turning towards and sitting with, exactly what is. In that sense, letting go is the process and practice of recognizing, acknowledging and accepting what is – exactly as it is, as oftentimes as difficult as it is.  This means that instead of shutting down and needing to tune out in order to spare myself the feelings of anger, sadness and fear about what continues to unfold in the US (and around the world), I’m giving myself time to take in the real and very honest picture of what is, and accept the feelings I’m experiencing as a result. Rather than rush to change, define or end my relationships here that stir up the feelings of uncertainty and anxiety, I’m taking the time to sit with and (literally) breathe through these uncomfortable feelings I’m left with – as I take the time to turn towards, instead of away from, what (or whom) presents me with the most challenge. Continuing to show up at the hospital and be with the reality of what is, allows me to really be present for the realities of what I see, hear, and feel in the health center as it is, rather than experiencing it as I want or imagine it to be.

Letting go, as I now try to understand and practice it, does not mean that  accepting “what is” will lead to complacency and passivity, and the choice to do nothing to call out and fight injustices and raise my voice for change when and where needed. Letting go is actually the brave and courageous decision I’m making to see and accept circumstances and the feelings they raise within me first, allowing me the clarity and capacity needed to move forward and make decisions that can effect real change based on the truest version of what actually is.

*The above reading “Let Go” was taken from Acts of Faith: Daily Meditations for People of Color by Iyanla Vanzant.